Meanest Story nominee: Michael Douglas' NEW cancer shocker.

Publication: Star
Date: 1 August 2011

Michael Douglas' health problems were all over the tabloids late last year, but after several predictions of his imminent demise, one of which came with a deadline that has already passed with the star still alive, the story was pretty much dropped. Now, Star has a grainy telephoto picture of him smoking and these headlines.

• Smoking again and fighting for his life
• Catherine struggles as they run away from it all
  

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Yet another premature story about the Jackie O tapes.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 8 August 2011

Okay, let's get the facts out of the way first. There are tapes of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis that have not been released to the public. According to reliable sources, Caroline Kennedy will authorize their release this September.

Now we are expected to believe the low rent Examiner has a source that will tell us what's on them. They promise a look inside her "shattered life" and the secret of who was really behind the assassination of JFK.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Celeste Holm's nightmare

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 8 August 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Miss Celeste Holm! I loved her so much in movies that were made before I was born, like All About Eve and Champagne for Caesar. Well now, it's the low rent Examiner that tells us her family is squabbling about her money and she may lose her home.

The good news is that this is not a Brave Last Days alert for the Academy Award winning actress, who tuned 94 last April.

Best wishes to Miss Holm, her friends and whatever family members who are not trying to rob her blind, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Kate collapses!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

The Flagship has three stories in one about celebrities in trouble on the cover this week, but because there are so few stories in general - especially because of the J. Lo divorce and the Lachey-Minnillo wedding - all three will get separate treatment.

According to the Enquirer, Kate Middleton collapsed on the recent tour and her husband has ordered bed rest, what with him being an old fashioned future monarch and all.

Lucky he didn't send her to the Tower. He can do that, you know. Sadly, he can't do it to Rupert Murdoch.

(Psych. The royals actually can't do that anymore.)

This is a nominee for Meanest story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Willie Prison shocker!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

The low rent Examiner tells a true story this week, also reported by reputable news agencies, that Willie Nelson faces jail time because as they put it, "Judge throws the book at country star".

Here are the details, found online. Willie smokes the herb. We already knew that. He got caught smoking and was put on trial. He's an old guy, and a famous one to boot, so the trial judge said that instead of jail time, Willie could come by the court house and sing Blue Eyes Cryin' In The Rain. ANOTHER butt-inski judge hears about this, says it isn't fair because other people caught smoking herb aren't given this option and, just to be fair, gives the 78 year old singer two years in jail.

You know, just to be fair. Because if we don't apply our stupid draconian laws fairly, people will stop having respect for them.

Through no fault of the low rent Examiner, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.